Today is my youngest Alaskan grandson’s birthday. I usually send each grandchild (7 of them!) $25 for birthdays and Christmas. It isn’t a large amount, but enough that they can buy themselves a little something. Given the inflation we are experiencing, I probably should increase the amount.
This year I am doing something a little different. I am sending the grandkids Amazon gift cards via email. Living in Alaska, my daughter and her family do a lot of shopping via Amazon. Sending an e-card saves me the worry of the check reaching them, the cost of a regular card, and, of course, the stamp. And, the kids are just as happy. Amazon has some really cute animated gift cards, and the kids will have fun deciding what to buy.
The topic of gift-giving has been on my mind lately, mostly because I’ve had two friends ask me similar questions. At what age do you stop giving gifts to your adult children? I’m not asking “to cheapen out” on giving my own children (and their spouses) gifts; this is simply a question my friends asked me. We all have different circumstances, so I think that would also make a difference.
Friend A: Five adult children range from mid-twenties to mid-thirties. Sadly, she only has a relationship with two of her children, one who lives nearby and another in a different state. She also has two (almost 3) grandkids that she sadly does not see. Friend A continues to send all of her children and grandkids gift cards for birthdays and Christmas. The only thanks she receives are from her two children with whom she has a relationship. She never receives anything (from any of her kids) in return.
Friend B: One adult child (with a spouse) and one teenager. Of course, she will continue giving gifts to her teenager, but she questions continued gift-giving with the adult child and the spouse. While in Friend B’s case, she does receive gifts in return, she would rather not! Friend B is a minimalist and cringed at some of the gifts she received this past Christmas, although she appreciated the effort. Now she questions what to do with “the clutter” she received.
And then there is us: Two grown children (with spouses and children), all are financially doing very well. We are all on excellent terms (like any family, we’ve had our rough patches), but we cannot get together for most birthdays and Christmas because of physical distance. Our grown children do not give us anything in return. Not their fault. We’ve asked them not to! They always express their thanks for what we give them. We’ve always written checks with only a couple of minor exceptions.
So, the question remains: At what age do you stop giving gifts to your adult children? Is there a set age, or does it depend on your family’s circumstances?
I do not give gifts to adult children. I continue to give gifts to 4 grandchildren. The last two years, the gifts were Amazon e-gift cards. Grandchildren are 13 to 26.
That is what I am leaning towards, except the cut-off age of 18 except for graduations, weddings, etc. For the adults (when we can get together), treat for a dinner out or experience.
No adult children on my side (we have two teens), but speaking for what we do with my parents… we stopped exchanging “adult” gifts when the first grandchild was born. That was my sister’s son. He’s now 19. No adult gift exchanging of any kind (birthdays, Christmas, etc). We do often treat each other to experiences or meals out, etc. The time together & experiences are the most fun for us, so we save money that we would normally spend on Christmas or birthday gifts & vacation together instead.
I’m very close to my family, so this isn’t about not having a good relationship. Buying gifts for those you don’t live with & have to travel to see can just be difficult to get right.
I can’t imagine myself ever not buying gifts for our teens, even when they are adults. But, we will probably pivot to money at some point in the not too distant future.
Good that you were all in agreement on when to stop the adult gift exchange. I think a lot of the gift exchanging can get out of hand. We did “draw names” for several years with my siblings and nieces and nephews. Then, we pooled our money for several years and donated to an agreed-upon worthy cause. It is difficult as our children age to figure out just what to do!
I give edibles for adult sons & their families (one is vegan & other is vegetarian). I do give special gifts for the only grandchild (6).
Edibles are a great option. Who doesn’t enjoy food?!
Hi Lucy, we are fortunate to still have my mom and hubby’s parents and stepmom. My mom had a stroke last year and moved to assisted living. She had given money to all her kids and grandkids up until then. Since she has to make her money last now, she is giving only to the great grandkids and grandkids until age 30. We have a large family, so this number is quite a bit less than before. Hubby’s parents still send some money and give Christmas gifts, but they are still relatively ok and in their homes. We still give gifts to all of our parents, but they are modest. Our kids and grandkids we mostly give money, and a gift at Christmas. It gives me great pleasure to buy things like the LeBron James tennis shoes that our son in law likes, but he would not spend that kind of money on something like that for himself. When we retire and have less income, we may re-visit how much we spend for Christmas. Every family is different, I know. This works for our family now.
You are very fortunate to still have parents. While my dad was still alive, I would send him un-salted cashews, which he loved. Strange, but I can’t remember when my parents stopped sending us checks, but I think I was in my late 30s. Situations do change (like with your mom having a stroke – I hope she is doing well), so I believe gift-giving changes, too.
My husband’s family is gift heavy! My side it’s more lunches out, a bottle if wine, consumable fun stuff more just little signs we appreciate each other.
Sorry about the gift-heavy side of your family! My husband’s family was gift-zero, which made it very easy! I do like the idea of consumables. It takes so much pressure from what to give, plus I think getting together is a gift in itself.
We’ve always done birthday gifts for adult children and parents/grandparents. Once dh’s siblings became adults we stopped exchanging gifts. I also always got my grandma and grandpa a birthday gift when I was an adult. Christmas we always drew names (on both sides, mine and dh’s) with the adults and kids still got gifts from everyone. I have a birthday coming up – dd already got gifts (apparently more than one LOL) ordered and said she is having them shipped directly to me. Now for Christmas, that there’s just us, my mom, dd and her dh, we don’t draw names anymore and all exchange gifts. DD doesn’t have very many to buy on her dh’s side either. There’s just his parents now.
Gift-giving really does change over the years. I give you all credit for coming up with ideas on what to give! That is the number one reason I started giving money. Having a smaller family also makes it easier, plus certainly on the wallet!
We give our grown kids money and presents. They give us presents. We don’t do gifts with our own siblings and my wife and I buy our own birthday and Christmas presents, always get exactly what we want.
That is definitely one way to get exactly what you want! Hubs enjoys the element of surprise, so he would never go along with buying his own gifts. As for me, I genuinely don’t want or need anything…well, other than a new computer, but I would miss my challenge of saving up for it!
My mom used to gift us gold coins for birthdays but, when gold became too expensive for her budget, she had told us she would no longer be gifting us anything. Lol! However she kept buying practical gifts without any special occasion. May she rest in Peace. It is hard to give gifts to adults. Everyone ends up with unnecessary stuff.
What a unique and valuable gift! Do you still have the coins? Very cool idea! Gifting for adults is challenging. Getting unnecessary stuff is why we asked our children to stop giving gifts to us. I’m with your mom – I think practical gifts are the best and, often, the most appreciated.
It is still hard no matter how long our moms (and dads) have been gone. I understand and still miss my parents every day. RIP to those who have gone before us.
Yes I still do have the coins. I have added more to my stash and they are a part of my savings. At this end of the world you never know so, I always invest in physical gold and hard currencies.
I think that is an excellent savings to have. I inherited a lot of silver coins from my father, plus I have saved some on my own. I hope to pass these coins down to my grandkids.