“You are so lucky to have someone who is willing to take the time and help you. My husband is on board with getting the debt paid off, but he doesn’t want anything to do with it – really doesn’t want any details at all so it is hard for me to sometimes figure things out on my own.” ~ Sue
The above quote is a comment made on a blog post over at Destination: Planet Debt Free. Other than that she and her husband are also desperately wanting to get out of debt, I don’t know much about Sue. Based on one of her other comments, I’m guessing that they are in a similar age bracket. What struck me, though, was the part about her husband being on board with wanting to get out of debt, but also not wanting anything to do with it. Is it possible to be both an active and passive participant in the war against debt?
I think so.
My own situation seems to be quite similar. My Hubs also wants to get out of debt, but when it comes right down to the nitty-gritty of the numbers, much of that is left up to me. I often think that if I had a dollar for every time he told me to “do what you feel is best,” we would be very close to being out of debt! For the record, we have discussed our variable spending (envelope items), and I do keep him updated as to how we are doing.
One might think ours is a situation of free-spirit versus nerd, but it is more that he is a “set it and forget it” kind of person. He is content (hence not being a true free-spirit) living with our written budget the way it is and sees no reason to revisit it as often as I do. I, on the other hand, am a nerd when it comes to our finances. I want to squeeze the life out of every dime and hear them scream for mercy! I get great satisfaction out of seeing how much more we can send to our debts!
Despite our differences, Hubs is still very much an active participant in our war against debt. His job provides for over 80% of our income, but it is also a job that comes with the price tag of being away from home a lot. Without his willingness to do this, I know we wouldn’t have made the progress we have made.
My thoughts are that when it comes to being on board with getting out of debt, we all have different strengths and weaknesses. Just because someone doesn’t seem to want anything to do with it, it doesn’t always necessarily mean they, in their own way, aren’t.
I most certainly don’t want to come across as picking on Sue; her comment just gave me pause to think. For those of you who are also battling debt with the help of a spouse/partner, what is your experience? And for those of you who are going it alone, what helps keep you on track?
I guess if spouses have the same goal and are not at odds, not arguing, then however they work it out is the right way for them. Dear Husband and I don’t have equal roles. I’m much more OCD when it comes to the bills, so it makes sense for me to be the one to gather the numbers, enter them in the budget software, and make sure the bills are paid. But he’s just as good (better, actually) at knowing his spending limit and staying within budget when buying stuff for himself or for the house.
I certainly hope Sue keeps at it. No one gets the hang of keeping track of a household budget the first month. It takes several.
I love how you and your Dear Husband compliment each other. I do believe there is something to be said about strengths and weaknesses-which you’ve managed to work out nicely!
I also hope Sue keeps at it. Getting out of debts takes work!
I think it is fine for one person to be more engaged. And especially if that person makes most of the discretionary purchase decisions. My wife is extremely frugal and I feel like our costs after we married dropped compared to my costs as a single guy. I wasn’t blowing a lot of money but I was not as good at finding bargains at everything. That worked for us to become FI and eventually to retire a little early but if I had been frugal and her not, I don’t think we would have done so well because she actually was the purchaser on most items.
I’ve often wondered if women, in general, are better when it comes to finding bargains. Good for you for reaching FI-and retiring a little earlier!
I think it’s possible as long as the passive party doesn’t still spend like they did before! My DH is totally passive with our money, but during, and now after, our bankruptcy, he’s had learn and agree to change his spending habits.
OneFamily recently posted…Thursday this and that
Lessons all around! Not always fun, but nor is being in debt!
I’m single, but I stay on track with charts, lists and budgeting goals. I also like to listen to Dave Ramsey for motivation.
Right on sister!!!!!
Rhitter recently posted…On POETS Day – 03/02/2018
Amen!
I love charts, lists and making budget goals, too! Dave is also an excellent motivator. Even when the topic might not apply directly to me, I always take away something from the caller.
Even when I was married and we had debt, my ex-husband would never participate in budget meetings or so forth. And the same when I lived with the Ex-BF. When I lived with my cousin, I contributed to the household (albeit a little too much). But now that I am on my own, I find that it is incredibly important to have an accountability person. I was blessed that my running/walking buddy agreed to become one when I relocated near work. We talk about the numbers and then about the different aspects of getting out of debt. Making lists, living by cash and listening to Dave Ramsey also helps. But honestly – prayer helps the most.
Rhitter recently posted…On POETS Day – 03/02/2018
I am so happy you’ve found an accountability partner! I have a good friend that I also discuss our journey with~and yes, my Hubs is aware! She and her hubby are also digging their way out of debt and it helps tremendously to have someone else to share all the ups and downs of the journey. You are spot on with what helps the journey, especially the prayer part!
First of all I would like to say congrats on your progress. Soon you will be below the 40k mark and getting to $39,999 will feel GREAT! With your progress, looks like that may come before the end of this month for you. So excited for you. In regards to the this post, our dynamic is much that same as yours and I understand Sues feelings. My husband agreed with the path, but it was left for me to research, carry out ,plan and tend to all the details of it. Some of that was due to his work requiring 40-60% travel a majority of the time and some of it was due to our busy family life while he was home. Even though I felt alone at times, it worked out very well. All the sacrifices and choices were well worth the end result for us. I do wish I had known about financial blogs like these years ago, they help encourage so much! We were pretty much alone on our path, our friends were not of the same mindset. For us, as the numbers went down, our resolve just got deeper and we (uhem, more I than we) found more here and there to contribute to our goal. When we completed the goal, our feelings of hope and possibility were indescribable. I am enjoying following your progress and celebrating your victories with you along the way.
Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement! The journey does feel lonely at times, but I have no doubt that reaching financial freedom will be so worth it! Right now getting below that $40,000 mark has me super excited!
Ok, that was a little freaky – I thought, “oh, that sounds just like me”…and it was 🙂 I don’t feel picked on at all – I think we are far too skittish when it comes to talking about money and I am very open and honest about it. How can we make changes if we never hear other peoples ideas about how they do things? OBVIOUSLY, what we were doing wasn’t working for us!!!
I’m so grateful dh & I are on the same page when it comes to getting out of debt, it would just be nice sometimes to have some input instead of the “whatever you think” response. It isn’t that he doesn’t care, I think it is just totally overwhelming to him and it works for him to make the money and me to “deal” with it. That is why I am so grateful for the blogs I read – I may not always comment, but I read them religiously and feel like I know everyone!!!
I am so glad you stopped by and also that you don’t feel that I was picking on you. Your comment really just made me think! I totally agree that society doesn’t talk about money near enough. I think we would all be better off if it wasn’t such a taboo subject. I’m glad you are finding support in reading blogs. Many of us are traveling very similar paths and it is good to have support! I also agree about feeling like I know everyone! Love it!
It is support which is very, very helpful to me. It is embarrassing to me to have this kind of debt in our 50’s (me) and 60’s (dh) – I just feel like this is the time we should be ENJOYING our money, not worrying about it but….it is what it is and if I can have a positive attitude and talk to other people who are taking this same ride, you don’t feel so alone.
I completely agree! The thing is, though, we are far from alone. There are a lot more of us doing this later in life. I just wish more people would be open to talking about it!